Revised Introduction

Koftel. "Conference Phone Meeting" Unknown
Public Domain

Below I revise and rewrite the introduction to my draft essay on rhetorical strategies. My new introduction addresses the prompt better and the author's article use of certain strategies. I believe that the the new introduction is more concise, easier to read, and actually brings up the rhetorical strategies in the thesis. Plus, I crafted the new thesis to address the actual prompt of the assignment.

Original Introduction:


The breakthrough in the human DNA code has been declared a human triumph; yet, many perceive this science as the precursor to medical inequality, and in many cases,a race for genetic superiority. This issue is addressed in the New York Times article, “Gene Map Becoming a Luxury Item”, written by biotech journalist Amy Harmon, reveals new statistics of the growth of the private gene mapping industry. According to Harmon, the medical technology necessary for the mapping and documentation of an individual's DNA has become a highly sought after medical process among the wealthy due to its influence in personalized healthcare. By citing statistics that note the decrease in costs for such technology, comparing the wealthy's use of such treatments to those of luxury cars, and repeating the concept that the government should subsidize the research, the author aims to employ rhetorical camouflage to incite a larger population of lower class citizens to urge their governments for equal healthcare access.

New Introduction: 

Rhetoric is the most important tool for any student wishing to take a controversial  issue and make their specific position appealing to a greater audience.Writers tend to use rhetoric to achieve a desire reaction form their audience. In Any Harmon's analytical article, "Gene Maps Become a Luxury Item," the medical technology necessary for the mapping and documentation of an individual's DNA has become a desired medical process among the wealthy due to its influence in personalized healthcare. In order to convey her message to a larger, more liberal audience, the author relies on a series of  logical and statistical arguments to advocate to government subsidization, but mostly relies on "pathos" or emotional appeals to incite civil dissociation. By citing statistics that note the decrease in costs for such technology, questioning the ethics of the wealthy's use of such treatments to those of luxury cars, and repeating loaded terminology to evoke an desired emotional response, the author aims to incite a larger population of lower class citizens to urge their governments for equal healthcare access.